According to God's True Word, the following are the worst 100* self-help books of all time.
Readers are required to have their sporks in hand.
100-91
100. Squashed your cat? Name's Edward? Call 057235634757 today and receive self-help.
99.75. Gay for Pay
(Low Expectations Press, 2009) $10,000 in 10 Weeks.
99.50. Interrupting
(Erratic Weather Press, 2006) How to make annoying interruptions in articles on Uncyclopedia.
99.25. Improve Your Life The Quick Way (Part One)
(SC4M Publishing, 1999) Turn your life around quickly with our 25 part series which is available with our weekly training sessions and our further improvement courses. Note. Will only work if you buy each publication, continuously attend weekly sessions and take each course offered. In literally hours your life will improve thanks to us and if it doesn't then it's your fault and you're not trying hard enough.
99. Berserk
Play the game in the first chapter repeatedly until all your fingers are gone :)
98. So You Want to Huff Wikipedia
(Jimbo Wales, 2007) Huff Wikipedia in 2 million or so easy steps. Huff percentage: 0.0001%. Hey, that's 200 articles in English alone.
97. Hotel Management Made Easy by Norman Bates
(Hitchcock Publishing, Inc., 2003) Decoration with Taxidermy is the new craze!
96. Reading for Dummies
(forDummies Books, Inc., 1997) Learn to read in 20 chapters.
95. How to Run an Ethical Company, by Kenneth Lay
(Enron Books, 2001) There's a great section about naming subsidiaries after different dinosaurs!
94. Drugs for Dummies
(forDummies Books, Inc., 1999) Featured chapters include Meth Labs: easier than they look, Stealing Oxycotin is Easy, and How to Avoid Detection.
93. How to Buy a Self-Help Book
(Blandom House, 1992) Step-by-step guides on how to get to the bookstore, find the book, and purchase it.
92. Building Bombs with Timothy McVeigh
(not published, 1996) Features all 9 major types, and detailed instructions, even with pictures!
91. Pyramid Schemes, the Simple Way
(Vanguard Press, 2000) Get a free copy for every two people you get to take advantage of our free copy deal.
90-81
90. A Swift Kick to the Nuts
(Acorn Books, 1986) Self-defence for squirrels.
89. Martha Stewart Easy Living House Arrest Edition
(Stewart Books, 2005) How to turn an ankle bracelet into a you ankle bracelet!
88. Guide to Becoming a Hobo in One Week
(Pimp My Books, 2007) Step by step instructions on sign-making, begging, and much much more! Cost: your savings, home, and other assets.
87. Collecting Insurance Money, the Easy Way
(Laminated Press, 1978) Techniques on how to make a fire look electrical, how to get somebody to crash your car, how to effectively wear a neck brace, and much, much more! Our experts will offer personal assistance for a percentage of your settlement.
86. Surviving School as a Ginger, the right way
(Loader Press, 2006) Ways in which to avoid bullying and beatings. Some suggestions include wielding a katana or buying a Colt45. Hair-dying covered in the second edition.
85. Oh My God We're All Going to Die
(ChrisFamily, 2004) Tips for how to not go to Hell with the other sinner Liberals and terrorists.
84. How to Read
(Morris Publications) Books for the blind featuring braille messages (not for people without arms). Has a thrilling ending.
83. The CigaretteCo. Guide to Quitting Smoking
(CigaretteCo Publishing, 2005) The ONLY guide to quitting smoking for all you pansies who don't want our smooth cigarettes anymore. Free with purchase of LungKillaz...the stogie with urban appeal!
82. Aim Low, Loser!
(Depressing Books, 2004) This interactive guide features such chapters as "Quadriplegics, Janitors, and Uncyclopedia editors: Finding Pathetic Losers Who Won't Say No" and "'I Just Lost My Wife' and Other Things to Say to Get People To Feel Sorry For You".
81. But MOM! Whining For Dummies
(Screaming Idiot Press, 2003) How to get what you want from your parents through whining. Includes a guide to achieving a variety of tones, pitches, and durations, and research on the effects of each.
80-71
80. Protecting Yourself From "Them", vol. 2
(Resistance is Useless Press, 2002) "They" are watching you. What, you didn't know that? This guide gives your paranoid butt the know-how to keep your home bug-free. Buy now and you can get the special addendum, "Top 10 Places to Find a Bug in Your Home".
79. HE Did It - Blaming Your Problems on Others
(Avoidant Press, 2001) This is a handy guide to blaming the other folks in your life. It includes some of the most common problems (mass murder, bad grades, kitten huffing withdrawal) and, using the handy index, allows you to displace the blame onto other sources (parents, teachers, lovers, Oscar Wilde). A must-have for politicians!
78. Your Penis Isn't Big Enough, and It Never Will Be
(USA 2005) A self-help book aimed at pre-teens.
77. How to Splell Corecty
(Mortimer Books, 300 BC) Becoem an exellent spleller in no tim at al!
76. Pick up women for Dummies by Brigham Young
One wife? Nonsense!!! 55 is much more appropriate!
75. Breakups for Dummies
how to break up for good (100%!) and how to achieve the optimal desired effect.
74. Blink and You'll Miss it
(Imbecilic Publishing, 1822) The world's shortest book, save only for Differences Between Dilbert and Reality. This does not make it good.
73. Ted Kennedy Driver's Handbook
(Chappaquiddick Press, 1969) Learn to drive a Barracuda through downtown Atlantis.
72. How to Make a Worst 100 List
(Emmzee Press, 2006) Sections on what kind of topic to make, and how to shamelessly promote it!
71. The Will to Walk Again
(Harvard University Press, 2006) Dr Tobias Funke explains how paraplegic and quadriplegics can walk again, right now, if they only had the will to do it!
70-61
70. Liquor Store Robbery for Dummies
(Crime Dummies Books, 1992) How to effectively hold the gun, shoot out the cameras, and getaway.
69. You Suck, Deal With It
(Whiners Books, 1984) A guide on how to become depressed.
68. Fighting for Stubs
(forStubbies Books, 1990) How to use your testicles to achieve victory! Not for use by Stubs with their "third leg" removed.
67. Smart Things To Do
(Emmzee Press, 2002) This book teaches things such as how to smoke at a gas station, throw rocks at an angry tiger, and how to strap unstable rocket engines to your bike!
66. Premeditated Murder Made Easy
(Prison-Made Books, 1996) Everything from poison to ice picks is covered in this handy-dandy guide.
65. Aprender español
(Valladolid 2005) Un libro para aprender español para los que aún no hablan español.
64. Bestiality for Beginners
(Horse Screw Press, 2004) A step-by-step guide for sneaking onto a farm, choosing the right animal, sedating it, and screwing it.
63. How to Be An Emo
(Whiners Books, 2006) Learn how to listen to crappy music, cry and whine about how miserable your life is, and just be an annoying asshole!
62. I'm Okay, But You're Fucking Nuts!
(Random Horse, 1968) The classic book that helps me feel okay with the fact you're a loony control freak with unresolved father issues.
61. How to escape a Grue
(Zork Books, 2002) Even contains a Grue for practice!
60-51
60. Do-it-yourself Brain Surgery
(Dr. Frankenstein Publications, 1979) Encourages to practice your new skills "on friends".
59. How To Build The Great Pyramids With 60,000 Friends
(Giza Press, 2150 BC.) No slaves required!
58. We're Sane - Cure Your Schizophrenia By Yourselves
(John Nash Publications, 1963)
57. How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid
(Oscar Wilde, 1898)
56. How To Be A Dummy For Dummies
55. Be an Overnight Porn Star
(Blue Books, 1988) Includes separate sections for male (1034 pages) and female (2 pages) readers.
54. Free at Last - Your Guide To Escaping From Prison
(Sing Sing Books, 1933) The book includes several concealed tools.
53. German Made Easy By Dr Mengele's New Revolutionary Electric Education Method
(Reichspress, 1940) The book includes a gadget that will give you a powerful electric shock for every mistake you make whilst learning German. Not recommended for people with heart problems.
52. You Can Fly If You Believe In Yourself
(Squishy Books, 1989) The title is meant to be taken literally according to the book.
51. Insults For Dummies
(forDummies Books, Inc., 1998) "Buy this book, you hunch-backed disgusting little snotty-faced pile of reindeer poop!" That was merely the blurb.
50-41
50. How To Die
(GrimReaper Press, 2002) A step-by-step guide to decreasing.
49. How To Be Dead
(GrimReaper Press, 2003) The official sequel to How To Die.
48. Getting Rich The Criminal Way
(1993) Burglary, fraud, robbery... Don't just make a fortune, take it!
47. Live For Ever - Become A Vampire
(Transylvania Books, 1965)
46. Surviving The Apocalypse For Less Than $1000
(End Books, 1996) Price: $995.
45. Getting Lost in The Metropolises
(Konfuse Press, 1999) The book does not include maps of New York, Chicago, Paris, Moscow, Tokyo, and many other big cities.
44. Quit Food - How To Lose Weight And Save Money By Not Eating
(Ano Rex Books, 1998) The inspiring book, written by Swizz Beatz Tha Monsta
43. Europe For 1¢ A Day
(Backback & Blister, 1992) Under which bridges to sleep in Paris, which restaurant has the most hygienic garbage cans in Prague, and the German railway companies with the fewest guards.
42. That's All Folks - Re-creating The Classic Old-time Cartoons In Real Life
(LooneyTunes Books, 1985) Instructions to countless pranks involving anvils and explosives.
41. How To Conquer Europe, with foreword by Adolf Hitler
(Napoleonic Books, 1945)
40-31
40. The Suicide Companion
(1977) A definitive guide to taking your own life. You can write your last message on the extra pages provided.
39. War Profiteering For Dummies
(A-moral Publications, 1995) How to make money while other people are preoccupied with killing.
38. You're Deformed, Get Over It!
(forStubbies Books, 1982) How to get over your extra limbs, missing limbs, shortened/lengthened limbs, etc. and get in a porno!
37. How to blow yourself up!
(bin Laden Press, 2002) How to find the most infidels, and make your own bomb with stuff you can find at your local Chuckie Cheese.
35. OOPS!
(Mistake Publishing, 1999) How to lose your place.
36. YAY!
(Correction Publishing, 1999) How to remember your place.
34. Beijing, We Have A Problem
(NASA, 1984) How to build your own spaceship and explore the fringes of the universe on less than 5 yen a day.
33. Print Your Own Money
(Books for Criminals, Inc., 1977) Counterfeit money and be rich!
32. 50 Simple Ways Of Gaining The Jury's Sympathy
(OJ Publishing Co. 1959)
31. Quit smoking for Dummies
(forDummies books, inc, 1998) A piece of cake, with this book at hand. Over the past several years, the author has quit smoking several thousands of times, so he's a real expert! A step-by-step guide.
30-21
30. How to Scam People Into Buying Junk Not Worth Buying in the First Place by Billy Mays
(ScamsRus, 2004) Promising at the start, 'til you realize that's it 200 pages of blank paper.
29. How to Breath Properly, by Kevin Trudeau
(Black Bird Inks, 2006) Exhale on the left nostril... Inhale from the right...
28. Sarangetti's Do-It-Yourself Miracle Cures, by Timanni Pamba
(CrowsAlleyLibrary, 1998) If it cures you, it's a Miracle!
27. Iran vs. America, The Road To Victory, by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
(New World Order Press, 2006) How to become an arrogant dictator and claim to be charged by God with the duty to destroy America on less than 6 infidels a day!
26. Afghanistan for Gay & Lesbian Travellers
(Stoning Books, 1999) A guide to the hidden jewel of Central Asia under the Taliban.
25. How to Finish Sentences
(Scholastic, 1982) Learn quickly and easily how to comply
24. Cómo cruzar la frontera Americana - El libro
(Mexicanes Press Syndicate, 2006) Una guÃa en cómo cruzar la frontera el Estados Unidos de Americana sin conseguir cogido; Ahora en Español!
23. Bukkake for Fun & Profit - (Squirt Intl., 2003)
A guide for those looking into getting into the fun and profitable bukkake industry.
22. Self-evident Truisms Dolled Up With A Trite Metaphor
(Not Just A Clever Title Books, 2006)
21. Unsupported Assertions That Gel With The Reader's Prejudices
(Not Just A Clever Title Books, 2006)
20-11
20. If you Would have done it... by O.J. Simpson.
Ways to kill your wife and her friend before writing a book about how it could have happened.
19. How to Hunt for Quail...The Cheney way! By Dick Cheney.
Not something to read if you actually hunt.
18. Conflict Resolution - Beating Swords into Plow Shares, by Bill Gates
(Ox Ford Press, 1998)
17. My Life in Antarctica, by Herman Hermit
(Amundsen-Scott: Penguin, 1963). Herman explains how introspection got him into something good.
16. Discovering Your Inner Child, by Pee-wee Herman
(Dwell Books, 1959)
15. Meds are Worth It! by Barbara Coloroso
(De Press, 2007). When your children act out, there's always Valium...or Chloroform
14. Losing Weight for Fun and Profit, by Marilu Henner
(Bench Press, 2000). Ms Henner describes frankly and sincerely her secret motivation to lose weight: she figured she could make a mint selling weight-loss books.
13. Weight Loss that Works, by Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh
Two men with impeccable reputations for meticulously accurate research present effective, proven weight-reduction methods.
12. The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Watching, by Judith Rapoport
(Figment Classics, 1989). Help for the peeping Tom in all of us.
11. Facing Death, by Saddam Hussein
(Baghdad: Gallow Books, 2006). By an expert on both sides of the issue.
10-1
10. Anger Management, by Osama bin Laden and Adam Sandler
(New York: WTC Press, 2001). The book that has already changed so many lives.
9. How to Let Loose and Party, by Jehovah
(only available door-to-door). Discusses God's expectation that we live it up and get laid as much as possible, rather than risk the low odds of being one of the 144,000 to be saved.
8. Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder
(Re Press, 2009). A must-read for anyone stressed out due to the expectation of impending trauma.
7. Inattention Deficit Disorder
(Stopthe Press, 2007). Have a child who is too attentive to your every action? "Mommy, what were you and daddy doing that was SO noisy?" Tips to teach your child a shorter attention span.
6. How to Care About Black People, by George W. Bush
(New Orleans: Katrina Publications, 2005). A #1 Worstseller!
5. Dysfunctional People (...and how to take advantage of them)
(Dyspublications, 1999). Learn to take care of YOU for a change.
4. Don't Bet the Small Stuff, by Richard Carlson
(Alibi Press, 1997). Ways to improve your gambling addiction.
3. Transgendered people are from Mercury, by Dr John Gray
(Stereo Type Press, 2007)
2. Co-dependence Made Easy, by Chang, Eng, and Ti-Eye Jr. Bunker
(Pub Lishers Anonymous, 2002). Have you ever developed a strong sense of independence? Are you prepared to live autonomously if something happens to your spouse? Well, the world-famous Bunker triplets provide insightful advice to change all that, so that you will never feel that you can live apart again.
1.5. How to read a self-help book
1.25. Get Off Your Fat Ass, Dummy! by Dr Jeremiah Kias
(Fat People Is Funny Press, 1921). It's thought to be the oldest self-help book ever. It failed at the time of publishing because of constant insults towards William Taft, who was and remains a national treasure.
1. Get Over It, by Dr Phil McGraw
(Unim Pressed, right now). Dr Phil shows you how to forget useless self-help books and pop-psych T.V. shows, stop whining and just get on with your life once and for all.
Negative Infinity X Negative Infinity to the Negative Infinity X Negative Infinity Power. Chicken Soup for the Manic-depressive, Psychopathic, Sociopathic, Deranged Serial Killer's Soul, by Jeffrey Dahmer, ed. The Joker
Published under Creative Commons Licence
